čtvrtek 24. května 2012

How to kill your brain in less than 150 minutes

Avengers in 3D

WARNING - spoiler article.

Would you spend less than 4€ to go to a movie theater? Its a pretty good deal, isn't it? Especially when it is a 3D movie theater where you get these fancy stereoscopic glasses you can take back home.

OK, OK, lets just not be that harsh and put the question differently.

Would you give 4€ to deliberately brainwash yourselves for straight 150 minutes? Can I hear some yes? Do I hear you cheering?

Do not come with the point of view blablabla speech. I don't give a single Flowering flower about it.

From what I remember and that ain't much since the Avengers washed me pretty well (Maybe too good, when I can not remember what was in.), so the first thing is big black guy in leather coat giving orders to everyone. And here comes the first shot. Scherbatsky - BLAM, like shotgun shell in your face. Mixture of shock, anger and disgust. (OMG) - Ou maj gát - why?!! why?!! This character had absolutely zero significance and zero potential. If you would simply replace it with some robotic AI entity, it would hurt nothing. But lets face the fact - its better to look at Cobie Smulders than at metallic AI. Considering the target audience and the tight apparel it was a good shot for her to show up in "A" movie.

So after the guy shows us all-mighty super trooper, mega awesome LAB full of unnecessary equipment and introduces special agent "I am the BAD ASS" the revelation of ultimate energy source comes from a mouth of a doctor I would never believed he would be even dentist. Glowing pale blue cube - yeah every source of ultimate energy just has to glow. I know that it has to let us, people,  know about its presence. But so desperately? If it would smell, sound or gives you tremble when you touch it, then people would probably not even bother to explore it. So the cube is on the screen like 2 minutes and Mr. Doctor slash Professor demonstrates how awesome it is and the demonstration gets out of the control. WOW! Who would expect that at the beginning of a 150 minutes long movie, right?

From "STARGATE" created by this totally unexplored source of infinite power (yea, we know its undiscovered but we also know it provides infinite power supply) pops a guy. World be hold - another man in leather coat. They probably had sales in US for those. Skinnier, smaller and paler guy will kick all asses around the hangar lab and turns some of them (especially agent "I am the BAD ASS") into zombie-like obedient minions. If I would not know that guy is Loki(for those who have no clue, this link is obligatory) I would be more than curious to know how to obtain such skill and probably write in to my diary later that night, that this bad ass Loky(this is intentional mistake - from 12 YO European style educated nerd) with his magic wand is my hero.

Chase. Shooting. More chase. More shooting. BUM. BANG. Big. BANG. Frowny black face and "We lost him." quote from 1st gay in leather coat.

Do I have to emphasize that the "glowing energetic super power cube" was stolen?! Thank you for your understanding!

LOOOOOONG part of "Here I am once again" introduction of all? the heroes:
Ego maniacal, wannabe funny narcissist Iron man.
Doubtful, 40 years undischarged Aryan Captain America.
Always angry nerd with glasses HULK.
Metro-sexual from different plane with BIG hammer Thor.
+ Black widow and Hawkeye

Search for "glowing energetic super power cube". Catching Loki. Making fun of him. Intimidating him. Get screwed by him. Well not to forget a lot of super mega hyper effects around. One particular part made a huge brain damage.

So I am checking my phone if I turned the sound off for the 5th time trying to catch the last scraps of sanity and here it comes. Double barrel shotgun speaks again. My brain is already all over the the place but the producers, scriptwriters and director think that is not enough. They want to make sure I will be headless walking zombie when leaving the hall.

Our heroes (their public alter egos;-) are chatting at the "aircraft carrier" deck about something extremely important for the whole universe, like is my shield shiny enough or should I buy the new hipster glasses and all of a sudden the carrier trembles. Lets not think about how long does it take for such a huge ship to stop, OK? Our heroes anticipating that there will come submerge. I hoe they wont do such a stupid mistake to turn an aircraft carrier into a submarine. Oh man, Oh man. I almost shouted "Are you flowering kidding me", but Kunrad was faster and said it less aloud and just stared at me in question: "Does this ship really contained 4 massive waterproof jet engines inside the hull or do I just see another TRANSFORMER?" So now we had "flying aircraft carrier". As Kunrad was trying to restore HIS sanity with lovely simple piece of technology in his hand, he missed disappearance of the whole flying ship by stealth technology. Voila "totally invisible and flying aircraft carrier" is on the scene.

Maybe you are asking if actually something happened in the movie. If there was a story. That after 100 minutes there could be some real story telling, right? There is one. The "I plundered Independence Day" story many time seen on the silver screen.

Rest is best. Unlike in the first part where heroes were trying to kick their asses in between them selves. Now they have all army of aliens to kick together. So they are all disgustingly friendly to each other, helping and acting all Alpha fe-male.

My advice: "For 20€ buy some decent ingredients and cook your friends something tasty." it would be creative and worthy way how to spend 150 minutes of your life.

Or maybe I just did not read the comics enough and TheAmazingAtheist is right. Maybe I just did not managed to regress into my 12 years old ME. All nerdy and desperately longing for action and heroes with a pinch of humor.

The producers gives us clear message that is not bad at all, but I am fed up with it already.
"Do not think, just consume!"

After we left from the movie theater and were cast back to reality...we acted retarded like brainwashed citizens of a perfect nation protected by Avengers. Loki would be proud.

Now get real and buy some coke :-D

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